The upcoming look into the deep, dark Millie

Well, it is just a few days away now that I will be getting my colonoscopy. What the hell is it with that word? I get spell-check squiggles EVERY time I write the word. If it doesn't exist, then I cry "shenanigans" on having to undergo it!! I digress.... so Monday, I am going to St Pete General to have this procedure done that will hopefully tell the GI doctor what is wrong with me. Well... that is in theory, of course, because every other flipping test comes back normal. In fact, if I didn't have to tell the doc all about how I crap all day everyday, nobody would think I was sick. Which I believe I am. Well, one way or another, they will find something out with this test. I am hoping for good news, like it's something they can fix or treat. I don't want a wishy washy diagnosis of plain old IBD, which is basically a sentence to a lifetime of dietary struggles til you find out what is making you sick... so that would be tres inconvenient.

Bonnie has had on her casts for 2 weeks, today. Next Wednesday, she gets them off and fitted for braces before getting new casts for another 3 weeks. Poor baby, but she is really truckin' along on those things. Her VBS teachers are always amazed at her ability in spite of lugging around two half-cast legs. She has grown so much in the last years.

I feel like everything in my life has changed since moving to Florida. Some of it for the better, but a lot of it is in limbo. I have more anxiety and depression than before. I also can NEVER remember to take my medications, which makes the symptoms more agitated. I tend to mask the pain of being on edge all-day everyday by drinking at night. I dunno why. I have perfectly good Zoloft sitting on the counter and I grab a bottle of wine instead. It's doing wonders for my waistline-- if by wonders you are seeking a built-in Jaba the Hutt Halloween costume, then- yes- wonders. Oh well.

I guess I am just saying I have so much going on between work, Bonnie, and my health that I have forgotten how to be a human. I want to be a person that enjoys the world and laughs and has simple pleasures in my life. I have been lax in my faith, lax in my personal care, and lax in my marriage at the cost of only me. What I hope to accomplish by saying this is that maybe the first step to recovering from a self-deprecating spell is to just get out and SAY it. Admitting this to myself may be the best way to walk away from the inner pain of everything I have hoped for and all my goals that I get so angry at myself for not reaching... I just need to slow down, love myself, love my family, and love God. And in return I need to let them love me right back.